I’ve only ever shared this story with my inner circle of people. I wouldn’t say I had a bad childhood by any means. Plenty of people had it much worse than I did and am fortunate that, despite having a horrible relationship with one of my parents, I have a good one with the other. The parent I had issues with, physically abused me to the point where I could no longer hear out of my left ear properly. I was degraded time and time again, by this parent… verbally, physically, and mentally. They fell sick in 2011 and the two of us made peace after ten years of bitter hatred.
Long story short, they died in 2012. I was lost, angry, confused, and most of all, hurting. I started taking pills as a way to try and feel something. I stole them from my remaining parent whenever I could. It started small but got worse and worse as time went by. I couldn’t function in social situations, and I barely held onto my job. All I cared about was getting high, and not feeling the pain that plagued my heart.
Fast forward to 2013, my remaining parent fell ill, and instead of helping them and my sibling, when they needed me most, I stayed home, took opioids, and smoked weed instead. Thankfully they made a full recovery, and are alive to this day, but during that time, my addiction reached its peak. I was taking four, five, or six pills all at once. Every single day, I needed to get high. It was a compulsion. I needed to do it, and if I didn’t have it, I was a mean and horrible person. I took 11 pills at once, with a giant gulp of vodka. I didn’t want to die, or anything like that, I just wanted to feel good. I’m not sure how I survived, but I did. It took me two years to realize that I had a serious problem, and if I didn’t get it under control I wouldn’t be around much longer.
I actually had the pleasure of meeting Josh at one of his Weerd Science Shows, and shared bits of my story with him and how much Red Light Juliet, and Red Light Juliet 2 meant to me. The song Steady Straight Lights/Sudden Dark Turns, in particular. Thankfully, I was able to get clean from pills and stay clean around 2019 or 2020. I couldn’t and didn’t do it alone, but I learned that I like myself a hell of a lot more when I’m in complete control of my body, and my thoughts. I forgave my deceased parent, and myself and am happier today than I have ever been.
Again, I don’t claim to have had that bad of a problem, and I know that compared to others my story may not seem like much of a story at all. But to be honest, I’ve just needed to get these thoughts out of my head for at least one person to see and hopefully read. If this is actually read by someone, it means the world to me.