For almost five years I binge drank almost every day. I was unhappy with life, myself, work… It all compounded until I started drinking here and there to take the edge off my intrusive thoughts. It started with just some nips, some box wine, a couple beers… nothing I couldn’t handle. Eventually, as my tolerance built itself up, it would take more to get to the feeling I wanted. The first time I blacked out was terrifying. One moment I was chatting with friends, playing stupid games on my phone, and the next moment was morning. Going through my chat logs was horrendous. Spelling and grammatical errors punctuated my stream of conscious thought… jumping from one topic to another then back to the original. Repeating myself.
I would never do it again I told myself. I lied. I did it over and over. More and more often. I went from one or two nips to a sleeve. One or two shots to a half bottle. And every single time I blacked out, I would tell myself never again. I’d do better for a day or two, then back to the binge. I never craved alcohol, so I told myself I didn’t have a problem. In 2021, on my birthday, I drank myself stupid. I wanted to be with my loved ones and do fun things but instead I drank until I was incoherent when my boyfriend got home.
He sat me down the next day and told me flat out that I scare him. That I repeat myself. That I slur and tell the same thing to him over and over before just passing out. He said it reminded him of someone with Alzheimer’s and that he was genuinely concerned that I would kill myself. He told me that I needed to stop and I finally agreed. Things had changed for me in my life, yet I was still running away from problems that didn’t exist anymore. I was still wrestling with demons that were long dead. And for what? I’d formed these habits that I just kept on using; not as a crutch like before but as a way of life.
I stopped that day cold turkey. I was so lucky that I could do that, that I wasn’t so far into alcoholism that it was hard to quit. I scared myself and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. It’ll be two years in August and I thank God every day that my boyfriend has that conversation with me. The most important people in my life stepped up for me and I want to make them and myself proud. I’m done with alcohol and I’ve gained so much for it.
1 thought on “Binge Drinking and Cold Turkey”
The amount of people that told me after I got sober that they hoped I would one day- that *they* feared for my life- was wild to me. It’s still so hard to wrap my head around being so completely out of touch with reality for so long (two decades) while the world watched me spiral. I’m glad you had someone who loved you enough to have that conversation with you <3 Congrats on two years!