Addiction Mixes Hate into the love of a Mother

A Mother’s Story from Scottland
I was unsure whether to post this or not. I wasn’t sure if it was relevant and didn’t want it to come across as some kind of guilt trip to any users. But, then Josh said in the latest video “imagine your mom getting that call…” and I thought, yes, maybe people do need to hear about that side of the coin.

I am a mother of one. My son began smoking weed at around age 13. I couldn’t really say anything and be a hypocrite, as I was also a weed smoker for many, many years. I have personally also dabbled in ES and speed but have been lucky enough to be the type of person that can just stop when I felt it was having a negative effect on me.

In more recent years my son started taking street Valium, also known as etizolam, which is 10 times stronger than prescription Valium. He would literally swallow handfuls at a time. Even more recently, he started using crack. He often drinks to excess at the same time as taking other substances. He has now had several friends who have died after taking cocktails of etizolam, coke, alcohol and/or crack. We actually found one of his friends dead when we went looking for him as no one had heard from him. It’s an image I’ll never be able to forget.

I have spent many a night worried out of my mind, just waiting for “that call.” There have been times when he hasn’t come home at night, and I’ve been unable to get him on his mobile until late afternoon the next day. Those hours of worry and crippling anxiety are the worst. Unable to eat, unable to sleep, constant trips to the toilet. This is what it means to be “worried sick.” You’re literally convinced that “this is it.” What I’ve been dreading is about to happen. I mean, it might not even be drugs that kill him. It’s the whole lifestyle he has. He sells drugs, hangs around with all the wrong kinds of people and when he’s on etizolam and drinks, he thinks he’s invincible and can take on the world. He’ll start bad mouthing the hard men on social media and making enemies of people that could really do him harm. And of course, he has also racked up debt with people who not only threaten to harm him but have threatened to harm me too. I’ve had windows smashed, doors kicked in, my car damaged, all by people he has beef with. I’ve had many a trip to the hospital with broken bones, stab wounds and face & head injuries. Then there’s the amounts of money I’ve had to give him to get the big dealers off his back. It has been a pretty horrendous decade of this type of thing.

My son has also been in and out of prison a lot. In fact, he’s spent more time in prison than he has out of it. He is inside again just now, and I actually dread him getting out. I prefer when he’s inside as, strangely enough, he’s safer there. But he still manages to get hold of drugs in there. He’s currently taking “subbies” which I guess is suboxone, so I know when he gets out again, he’s going to need something to help with the withdrawals of that.

I’ve tried to distance myself from him, as he’s caused me so much stress. There have been times where I’ve felt I’m ready to break and I don’t feel like I can cope with it all anymore. But it’s so hard to try and let go of him completely. I feel guilty and he knows this and plays on it. He’s very manipulative and has done the whole “threatening to take his life” thing if I’m not there for him. There are times when I honestly hate him, but at the same time he’s my son and I love him. I’ve lost any hope of him ever changing. His 29th birthday is on Sunday. He’s not a child anymore but he’s still my child.